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(Coffee) Shop Talk

Welcome to the shop where I talk about things that go well with coffee, which is almost everything.

Welcome to the blog post where I vent shamelessly about the object of my longest literary relationship. Please bear in mind that these are the kinds of disillusioned rantings that can only come from one who has loved deeply. I was pre-ordering HP books before their release nights merited national media coverage. Hell, when I started reading the books, the only US media coverage they’d seen was a blurb on Oprah about “howler” letters, as per Book One. So yeah.

And now for our feature presentation…

Having just finished the 7th Harry Potter novel, I feel that the whole series could have been done in five books. Ideally, we would have all just stopped reading after the fifth book and then chosen which fan-site-speculation ending we preferred. That would have been more fun. Oh wait, that WAS more fun, back in the day before I was proved right about JKR being much better at set-up than delivery. You know, back before we knew that nothing much more was going to happen besides an inexplicable and unsatisfying romance between Ron and Hermione and the discovery of Horcruxes.

In Deathly Hallows, I really could have done without all the angsting in the woods as well as the weird bit about Ravenclaw’s-diadem-is-evil-and-missing. HP&DH is the longest, least interesting scavenger hunt in the history of literature. (Although technically that’s not saying much since hardly any other authors try to motivate a 750-odd page novel with a scavenger hunt framework.)

More generally, I think that JKR could have gotten a lot of comedic mileage out of the fact that “disaparating” and “driving” both start with a “D” and both require full concentration to avoid serious injury.

These suggestions probably aren’t original, but here we go:

MMADD: Magical Mothers Against Drunk Disaparating

DUI: Disaparating Under the Influence (presumably of Firewiskey, but possibly of magical mushrooms that are actually magical–can you imagine that trip?)

…and, last but not least…

DDC: Drunk and Disorderly Conjuring

Make no mistake, when my friend and I write our Off-Off-Broadway, rated-R, Harry Potter musical, these terrible jokes will be included. Possibly as song titles.

And now the final rant:

They’re making TWO movies out of THIS book? Really, Hollywood Mc Slice-and-dice-every-book-plot-into-absurdity? Really?

Thank you, that is all.

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